I’m not much for dogs
not that I have anything against dogs
it’s their owners I despise
when I walk Zelig every morning
men with bedroom slippers
and football sweatshirts
all give me the same secret greeting
in the winter – “Cold enough for you.”
in the summer – “Hot enough for you.”
when it rains – “Looks like it’s going to be a wet one.”
the dog walkers want me in their club so badly
they keep trying, always knowing the same secret words
for possible members of the club
some mornings when they say the same sorry ass greetings
like “It’s a great day for walking the dog, ain’t it.”
I shout, “No. I’d rather be in bed fucking, wouldn’t you?”
that stops them, but only for short periods of time
this scintillating morning conversation is wearing me down
it’s only a question of time before I have to join the club
but it’s true about a dog being a man’s best friend
Zelig saves me from having to join the dog walkers club.
One spring day he starts humping a dog walker’s leg
“He likes you.” I say
then Zelig sniffs another dog walker’s crotch
then another
then a sniff and a hump combination
to a man wearing his breakfast on his beard
“Don’t be afraid, you remind Zelig of his father,” I shout
as he makes a hasty retreat
even when Zelig doesn’t need to go for a walk
we hunt down dog walkers
the dog walker’s run whenever they see Zelig and me
humping and sniffing
sniffing and humping
we are the masters of our own destiny.